supping on dandelion wine

we're experiencing our indian summer in the bay, which is to say our warmish september.  i'd hardly call it a summer when you still have to wear a jacket at night, but whatever.  i had a scoop of orange and cashew ice cream in a sesame wafer cone.  perfecto!  and everytime i walked up to the second floor of my house i got a burst of malaysia.  that hot oven that smells like melting wall.  takes me back to the tropics.

armed and dangerous

i worked out twice this week in preparation for my lcsw exam, which i am taking tomorrow morning.  i thought going to the gym would give me michelle obama arms.  instead i think i'm going more towards xena warrior princess.

this emotional life

I'm so wiped out after today.  This whole week really, but this day especially.  Today at lunch time I helped with a memorial at work for one of my coworkers that just passed away.  She passed away in April and there had not yet been any kind of ceremony for her.  I hadn't really grieved her passing.  I just pushed on with everything I had to do.  I'm not really much of a crier to begin with, and I hadn't cried for her yet.  So, I cried...at work of all places.  It was great to hear how much she meant to so many people.  And just to learn more about what a cool person she was.  I want to grow up to be as tough, kind, and spunky as she was.

After that I rushed off to visit a kid on my caseload.  I've been working hard for months to rally extended family members for placement for her.  It was decided this week that she will likely have to move to a foster home.  I feel devastated for her and for what I could not prevent from happening.  She doesn't even know this is coming.  All I did was play with her outside.  We had a lovely time.

At the end of the day I went to grab some pizza slices from a local bakery.  I needed an instant dinner for my insides that were all twisted out of shape.  As I stuffed my face sitting at the outdoor bistro table, a really young boy came up to sit with me.  He had the smallest little face with the biggest eyes.  His mother came to usher him into the bakery and then I recognized her.  And then I recognized him.  I had helped his two moms adopt him back when I worked in adoptions.  His other mom eventually came up with his stroller.  He looked amazing, this little boy.  I don't know if his moms remember me, but I can't identify them or myself unless they recognize me first.  It made me happy to see them.  A gorgeous family, with their wonderful little boy.  I felt a little sad too, that I only got to be a part of their lives for a very short time, but it helped make something beutiful.

I guess that is what social work is, being a part of people's lives only for the window that they need you.  Even in life, we don't get to keep our loved ones forever, just for the short window of time that we need them.  I love you, Patricia, wherever you are.

2012: this is what i'm gonna do this year

Oi, it has been a long time since I've posted anything on this blog.  A lot has happened since I last posted, the most notable being that I bought a cute craftsman house in Oakland.  That's right, a house!  I could not have found a place more perfect and lovely.  I sure rented a nice apartment, and now I own an even more beautiful home.  Ok, that was the main big thing. 

Even as February is now almost gone, I continue to think about what I want this year to be for me, and I have come up with a few goals.  They include the following:

- Study for and take my licensure exam for social work before October, hopefully by the summer (progress so far is slow as I am only studying about one day a week)
- Travel somewhere outside the country (projected goal so far is Morocco and Spain)
- Plant some kind of garden situation (the lawn also needs mowing, ahh!)
- Dress like I know I'm pretty (I've already found that I've been wearing the wrong size jeans.  It is time to wear clothes that fit and look flattering.)
- Be bold!  And I mean both in my work and personal life (I have even tried asking guys out!  Mixed success so far, but I know now that I have the guts to do it.  Also, I just rented a cello for a month to see if I can enjoy something that used to make me feel so self conscious.)
- Keep learning how to be kind to others (along with family members and friends, I am also including my roommate's dog who sometimes confounds me)
- Do things that I enjoy and enjoy it (like going dancing when I feel like it or drawing when I feel like it or singing when I feel like it)

Maybe there needs to be more detail in this post for that list of things to even make sense.  But it makes sense to me.  And I hope I can remember these things and really practice them.  Viva 2012!

sunflowers on sunday

I have been settling into my life, as a 30-year-old woman--I don't think girl applies any more.  And it has been lovely actually.  The sea of emotional torment of trying to figure out who I am has settled into a rhythm of knowing who I am and continuing to discover who I am.  The waves of grandiosity and self-doubt and fear and awkwardness have kind of spent themselves.  The world is no longer limitless--that aspect of youth has faded--but it is wonderful and full.  And always changing.  I hope my penchant for talking about pension plans with my peers don't make me too boring.  I guess this is what life is.  For now anyway.  Until that changes, right?

This is a poem I wrote in a dip of loneliness.  I think it is part of life to be alone sometimes and feel it in your bones.  Just as it is a part to enjoy the company of others and feel it in your chest.  Oh, and I bought some sunflowers.

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Sometimes

Sometimes I am so alone
I could step outside my body
And look back
At the shell behind me

You are so alone, I say to my body
Where are your friends?
Where is your family?
Where are your lovers?

Hold yourself, your soft arms in your hands
Because there are no other hands
And no other arms
To cross across your chest

Say something aloud
Or you will forget how to hear
Because there are no voices
To whisper at your cheek

Your eyes stay empty
With no faces to fill them
Close them
To capture your cozy darkness

There are no others
Handle your brittleness
With delicate fingers
Because no one will patch your broken pieces

I got new attachments for my electric toothbrush

You know, I often wonder if what separates the plebs from celebrities, or anyone whose business it is to look pristine, is just excellent oral hygiene and obsessive use of sunscreen.

i want a housewife

i had an exhausting day at work today and when i came home had this incredible longing for someone i could just cuddle and complain to.  and i really wanted this same person to make me dinner.  is that so bad?