out and about and around the house

Oakland Mormon Temple

Pathways through Muir Woods

A pretty funky building on Lake Merritt

A close up on some bonsai lichens at the Lake Merritt Bonsai Garden

Sakura!

Pretty little bonsai

buildings, duckies, and lake!

People are out walking their kids

a view of the new cathedral under construction amongst all the Kaiser buildings

The past few weekends I've been hosting friends and family and doing a lot of local sightseeing in the process. Here's some views from the traipsing. It's been lots of busy weekends and actually some easing up in business at work, or maybe more like just not taking work so seriously. Don't know that I've figured out yet the perfect balance of work and life or how to do my job well and not have it consume me. Still working on that. Still waking up with a jolt in the night thinking about referrals I need to make and worrying about my kids or parents. Oi. It's getting better though, I must report. I'm learning! And don't feel entirely incompetent anymore. That is a nice feeling.

in the city of angel

some weird man-made island off the coast of long beach

the coast of long beach. so pretty!

view of LA skyline from the getty museum cactus garden

LA skyline. pollution!

of course, the hollywood sign!

I spent the past weekend in Long Beach and LA visiting good friends. Just the antidote for a string of weekends when all I did was dream about my clients and agonize over the decisions I had made and anticipated making for the next week. Another week of work is just beginning! But let me dwell just a bit longer on my trip. The weather was sunny and despite being a little chilly was really nice. It was lovely to spend time with friends old and new and see new places like Griffith Park, the Queen Mary, Little Tokyo, and Alhambra. The final day I was there I spent in a Border's Bookstore on near Hollywood Blvd. reading comic books. Bliss! It made it very hard to leave and return to a rainy Oakland. Goodbye sunshine! Goodbye yummy dining! See you soon Angel!

b/c you want nothing more than to see what i'm seeing right now...

Julio, my baby juniper bonsai. Hmm, someone needs a trim.

The shelves that sit behind me

View from the window beside me

View from my main window. People are sailing on the lake!

So, here are some pics of my apartment. It is such a lovely day today. I went for a morning walk around the lake and cooked some bok choy for lunch. Loverly. A much needed reprieve from long week of nerve-wracking child welfare. I can't imagine that that will be my job for the next series of years. Wow. I can't help but feel like that is the next step, though, despite its craziness. Everything I've been learning in school for the past 2 years and in training over the past 3 months has been preparing for this job. And now I'm doing it. Sort of. I have so much to learn about how to talk to families and how to make good decisions for what to do for them. Wow. Ok, I'm not going to think about that right now. I promised myself that the weekend was going to be a break from that, so let me stick to that. I did some reading too, which really was a treat. One of the books, Kitchen by Banana Yoshimoto, ends with this:

"Finally, to all the readers who do not know me personally, who were kind enough to take the trouble to read my small effort, I know no greater happiness than that it may have cheered you, even a little. Surely we will meet someday, and until that day, I pray that you will live happily."

I wish you the same. Hmm, maybe at least the cute pictures of this post will lend you some of that cheer.

Where's the fire?

So it's Saturday morning, I just finished making myself some french toast, when I get a loud knock on the door. I peek in the window and see a firefighter! I let the firefighter lady in, and she was suited up in all the gear: the pants, the coat, the hat, and the heavy fire extinguisher. She asked if I knew of any fire and I told her that I had seen some smoke outside my window. She peeked out but it was gone at that point. Then she went on to the next apartment. I went outside on the outside balcony and saw 2 firetrucks parked outside, one with a ladder to the roof of my building. Wow! There were like 10 fire people inspecting for I guess a call about smoke. They all just took off; I don't think they found anything. But it was exciting for like 5 minutes anyway. Oakland Fire Department! They were in the news recently too b/c they were short fire people and were trying out forgoing the initial exam to encourage applications. Of course they got inundated with applicants and it got sketchy where it seemed like applications of people with relatives on the inside seemed to get through before the cutoff. Anyway.

Oh, I should also report on my holiday activities a bit. The Saturday before I got to be part of the wedding of a friend from high school. Lovely wedding! So heartfelt and sincere. Wore a big pink dress, the picture above. (I purposely picked a flattering picture, nice huh?) Kind of a whirlwind experience and a bit scary now to know that my friend is married. Ahh!

At the wedding, too, I got to be surfeit with girl talk. Sometimes you need that stuff. Another friend asked me if I would go out with a firefighter. I really didn't have too much of an opinion either way. But you know, hmm, firefighter. Hello Mr. Fireman!

Dive another day!

So this is my second painting, a painting of my dad from a photograph. I think it could actually still use a lot of work but I'm going to give myself a little break from painting and maybe contemplate it some more before charging ahead with touchups and revisions. Painting is so much harder than I thought!

Let's see, in other news...I signed up to do skydiving! One of my coworkers has been planning to go at a place in Davis and a few of us Alameda County peeps have signed up. The plan was to do it today, though I had decided that I wanted to delay until the new year when out health benefits kicked in. Turns out it wasn't going to happen because of the weather anyway. So we live to dive another day! Actually going to place and seeing the plane and learning about the whole experience really allayed a lot my fears about it all. I"m actually quite excited to do it, just not for a while! Woo!

My cup is empty...but full of air

This is my first painting from my community college painting class. It is a cup. It still needs some touch-ups actually so there's still a little more work to do, but I'm quite ready to move on to my next painting, a photograph of my dad.

Back to a week of training after a brief interlude to Seattle for Thanksgiving. It was chilly despite the sun. I think the weather too made me look at Seattle differently. It looks like a shipping city with narrow red-roofed houses and tall trees. I can see why people in that city hang out in coffee shops all day and read books all the time. Cold!

so this is how people die of smoke inhalation

tonight i cooked myself some beef with bok choy. nicely braised meat with onions, garlic, and greens. then i sat down to eat and was catching the end half of an episode of jeopardy. ah, nice evening, right? so before i can watch the final jeopardy question the smoke detector goes off.

beeeooooo beeeoooo beeeooooooooo beeeeeooooooooo

gah, this is not the first time this has happened. so opened all the windows and fanned like crazy and the the thing finally shut off. and i was about to head out the door for a walk with some friends, when...

beeeooooo beeeoooo beeeooooooooo beeeeeooooooooo

again! so i go fan crazy and open all the windows again. the more i listen to the alarm the more muted it began to sound. hmm. anyway, so i left a little window fan on in the kitchen to blow out some of the smoke and headed out.

an hour later i get back and the alarm is still going! my neighbors must hate me. so now i'm sitting in my apartment chilled by the night air as it de-smokes my living space. i could be sitting in a room full of smoke and not even know it. great, i could just take a nap and never get up. geez.

A grain a day keeps the brain dissolution at bay

Hmm, so interms of mini-mental health update.

sad--sad--sad--very sad--things looking up

So I'm entering an update during an upswing of current emotion.

Training is tedious and ten weeks long. This is week three. Learning about case planning. Ugh, I don't even really want recount what we're learning. It is useful stuff and I wish I had gotten some of it while an intern in child welfare. Who knew you could tweak case plans to actually fit the families you're working with?

But I was really more excited about posting this site that my friend sent me. Altruism and vocabulary aggrandizement together! Genius! And so much fun. Enjoy!

Blackbird singing in the dead of night

I couldn't sleep. It's four in the morning and I'm awake and posting on my blog. The first night that here in my apartment alert and alone while the world outside quietly sleeps. I can remember such moments first distinctly when I when I was twelve or so in the house of my childhood. I insisted, with pride and fledgling independence, that I wanted my own room and my parents gave one to me by partitioning our dark and unused living room in the front of the house. Away from the other rooms where my family slept, I found myself very independent and very alone, but not altogether so secure, with bookshelves and a display case as my wall away from the cluttered room beside me and the front door. I always imagined an earthquake or a falling person toppling that makeshift wall, and I pushed my bed as far from there as possible.

Sometimes in the night, with my head besides my heavily curtained window, I could hear a bird. Always in the wee hours of the morning, I could hear it crying out in the night and the baby bird sounds that broke out in response. Now that I think about it, I realize there may have been a nest in the eaves beneath the roof, but at the time I thought that the nest must be in the Chinese chestnut tree that drooped in our lawn over the driveway. Always in the dark I heard the birds, and far from being comforted they scared me. What were they doing so late at night? Talking to each other so loudly that they woke their sleeping neighbor.

In that room, far from my sisters and parents, I remember waking again, with welcomed relief, to the sounds of my mother making breakfast and crawling out to the kitchen when she called me to eat.

Back to bed, I think. Goodnite.

Hi. I know it's been so long since I've blogged. I wonder who still checks. Mostly I've been feeling a general sense of malaise that has been hard for me to understand much less explain or write about, but felt inspired to revisit the old thing after a long day of internet surfing at work. (Ok, so it's not an "after." I'm still here. I will, by the way, be doing actual work today when I go to a home visit. Soon. For real.)

So let's see what this electronic chronicle of my life should include. I did get a permanent job with Alameda County, doing child welfare. It starts on the 22nd and I'm pretty excited to start something new. Yeah, the excitement of true blue employment is weighed down with my ever increasing disappointment and unease with working in child welfare, but one thing at a time. Let's get the student loan paid off and then think about career fulfillment shall we? Plus, I will not have to commute so far every day to get to work. Woohoo! This unfortunately will probably cut out my favorite morning show that I listen to on the radio, but I can always catch last week's sexy-time fun facts on their website(check out the interview with Patrick Oneal: hilarious).

I did spend a week in September back in Texas. A few days in Houston with my momsy and my older sister soaking up some family time. Then that weekend I went to Austin for a good friend's baby shower and Austin City Limits. ACL was really my way of trying to grasp hold of an Austin that I never experienced. Damn, it was hot outside. I did enjoy the evening concerts though. Beside my almost passing out from dehydration, I got some vouchers for free ringtones for my phone. I love free stuff.

It's be rainy these past few days. And today it was so chilly outside. Winter is coming now, no doubt. It both scary and thrilling, though, watching the rain splash and tinkle on the lake. Well, off to Vacaville. Welcome back.

camino de paradiso

I drove to paradise, ca today to retrieve the belongings of kids. it was a three-hour drive up through sacramento up to into the woods by chico. i had to take a huge van for its cargo capacity. the biggest car i've ever driven. it did the beep beep thing every time i put it in reverse. it also did not have an FM tuner so i only got talk radio. it gave me a lot of time to think.

it's time to let things go. things that aren't working. it's ok to be friends.

the route up wasn't much to look at. but the route back through antioch was beautiful. there are forest fires around abouts and so there is a haze. but it made the water of the bay a glassy gray and the green of the trees seemed that much greener and the yellow grass a flaming orange. like a river in the jungle, or malaysia. and i crossed little and big bridges and drove on roads along levees. the calm, heavy quiet was beautiful.

paradise. hmm, maybe not so much the place itself, but the road away from it.

habituation's a bit**

sorry, i rarely swear but it seemed so fitting--albeit heavy-handed--a title. it's time to learn a new routine. its not varied between internship and school, activities and work. now its just work. 40 hours a week. and when i'm home i can only just recover from work before having to pry myself out of bed the next day to go back. so that's my new routine? i don't have homework, ok. but my brain just spins on autopilot as i do my homevisits, write my casenotes, and surf the internet in the intervening hours when i have nothing to do in my cubicle. so this is what i thrust myself into grad school for? i know, this is only a temp job i'm holding now. i'll be much more busy once i'm carrying a caseload of my own clients. more stressed too once i find myself responsible for managing people's family lives. eek. but is that enough? is stress going to give me enough? i'll earn my money, be occupied during the day, but what else? or is there anything else? lieben und arbeiten, right?

aber kann ich meine arbeit lieben? ist das genug?

but when i think of the things i could be doing, if money was the only objective, it wouldn't need to be social work. but social work, as flawed, problematic, myopic, and futile it is--or seems, whatever--makes me feel that i'm doing something worthwhile. something that acknowledges that humans matter and my own existence gives me no peace if you have no peace in your existence. i can't help but grasp my hair at my temples though sometimes. it's something, but not everything. looking in the right direction but without having figured out to climb of the fallen tree in the road. do i figure out how to get going on the road or do i start building a hut for myself in the dust. right now i'm just slapping my hands on the log and butting it with my forehead. what next?

bonsai

i've been hidden. hiding because i'm so disappointed with myself and my failed expectations. like a teenager who lets her hair grow too long and in her face. it has been very hard going through the process of applying to the bay area child welfare agencies. struggling to find a job, feeling inferior to my employed peers, and reluctant to put so much effort into a obtaining job that i have so many personal objections with. and that horrible feeling that i'm not good enough because i could not get this job the first time around. so, that is why i've told myself i'm too busy to update this blog. avoidance really, of having to admit that i am still struggling and uncertain and unhappy. i think i am more ok with this now. more ok anyway than i was before. and it has made me think more about child welfare. how i really feel about this profession of social work and if it really does meet what I want out of a career. The more I think about it, I don’t think I see myself doing cps for long after my 2 year commitment is complete. So many of these sad stories I am reading about in my current job as a case aid in an adoptions unit seem to have received no ameliorating benefit by being involved in child welfare. The drugs are still there. The poverty. The domestic violence. And another emotionally disturbed child goes to the home of an adoptive family. Ai. I may be in a very cynical place right now, but case managing, shuffling a family from one service to another only to break up a destructive family just doesn’t strike me as doing anything for making lives better for children. So there. I’m very mixed about the next two years of my life.

This past Sunday I took a stroll in the garden park on Lake Merrit. There is a lovely bonsai garden there with its many mini trees. Dwarf redwood and maple trees. Crazy trunk formations and roots crawling over rocks. I finally got to see what a juniper bonsai should look like. I have a starter bonsai that my sis gave me a few months back and it has since been growing into a fro-like bush that I wasn’t sure how to tame. With some advice of the bonsai park docent, I came home to my juniper and trimmed away. All the growth that hangs down will only die from lack of light. I cleared and cleared and now have something that looks more like a little tree with only slightly mangled branches. I think I’ll give it some time to recover from the shock. It really was a lovely tree all along, just a little overgrown from neglect. It will be beautiful with some more growth and care. It will be ok. I will be ok.

Summertime, and the livin' is easy.

Well, easy in that there isn't much going on. Hard in that the lack of occupation drives me batty. Still setting up my apt. The mornings here are gorgeous though. with my windows that look upon the lake. Once I've got my boxes all cleared I can think more about furniture, a dining table, plant arrangements, and the like. I've poked around at jobs with local social service agencies, but haven't seen anything that I would really like to do or that make sense to start in light of a possibly soon entrance into working for a county. The weeks of waiting are killing me but it doesn't make sense now to start any full time job knowing I plan to leave as soon as a month. So, the career anguish continues.

Celebrated the 4th yesterday with a trek to Sacramento where I watched CalExpo's fireworks. How beautiful. I forgot the wonder and excitement of seeing all those sparkles in the sky that light up the night. If you stare long enought its like looking into a kaleidescope or being high or something. Anyway, very hot there. Actually pretty hot here in Oakland too. I walked the lake yesterday and retained a sizzling sunburn across my shoulders and neck. Hot hot.

No Justice! No Peace!

Today I took part in a march for the SEIU representing security workers in the San Francisco Bay Area. The city went so far as to announce it Security Worker's Day in San Francisco. Apparently, the security workers' union contract is up for renewal and heated negotiations have begun. Listening in on speeches, wearing the purple shirt, and blocking traffic. I feel like it was an experience all about learning. The past victory of the janitor's union. The now daunting task for the security workers. The profit-only motivation of large business owners. The idea that free health care is a right. Freedom from poverty is a right. Those silent slumbering towers of the city that watch the streets, unmoved and unchanged while its human contents foment and churn and their streets teem with business people and protesters and the homeless who call their steps home.
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In other news, I'm leaving Berkeley. Hmm, I think I'll still keep the same name for this blog too, considering it is what brought me to CA and is what is compelling me to stay, this obligation to county child welfare. But, I'm moving to...Oakland. Ok, not that far away really. This weekend I'm moving into a studio on Lake Merritt. My apartment is pretty petite, but it charming with it many windows and lake view. It also has a fantastic New York-esque roof that makes me want to go Spiderman jumping from building to building. Oakland is beautiful, and the kind of urban environ that Berkeley is not. It is also dark and scary at night the way that urban environs are. I'll post pics once I take some and have done more settling into the place. Still very mixed feelings about moving. Very mixed. But life trudges on apace.

blathering blatherskipes!

So I think I'll write this post backwards through time. Went to Vegas this weekend for the first time. This pic off a Jose Cuervo table encapsulates much of the experience quite well. Had more to drink in two days than I typically have in half a year. I think by the end my body was begging me to be a little more boring. But I must say, I had a blast.
There really is nothing like walking for miles down the strip, lights, lush hotels, everything is brighter and more real than the real thing. Paris Paris was like a super concentrated dose of Paris. New York New York the same. I'm not sure I can describe that any better. Any concept of what a hotel is has been jacked up exponentially. The extreme of luxury and consumerism.
And crazy hot there too. It was consistently 110 degrees. Oh, I don't have any pics to go along with this, but picture three ppl, all in their twenties, zipping around a golf course in a red golf cart, getting pulled over by a golf court marshal, who just happened to be a retired California Highway Patrolman. He's convinced we are driving his golf cart and proceeds to inspect under the hood, the batteries and even sit in the thing to confirm that we hadn't jacked his cart. Tells us he's been chasing us down the court. And not so kindly indicates that we need to beat it. Man, why drive little carts if you can't enjoy them a bit. Alas. Las Vegas was a blast.
Oh, here's a neat little comics exhibit in the Oakland Airport. Got to the airport so late that we were the last ppl on the plane. And in the process of running to our gate I took a nice spill and ate carpet. Lovely.
Took a nice hike a few weeks before up in Point Reyes, Marin, where cliffs meet the ocean. Gorgeous. And the trail head was signaled not by a sign with a map but with Wonder Woman.
And one day took myself to the Berkeley Marina for some kite flying. I love the stringing out, but need a reel of something to bring the kite back in. That alone took like half an hour.
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And...no pics for this either...I didn't get a job with San Francisco County. I was quite devastated considering I really thought I would get the job. But, reality and rationality is kicking me back and I'm now in the throes of completing applications for every other bay area county, like I should have to begin with. Here's hoping I get a job. Here's hoping this MSW turns into something. Here's hoping I can pay next month's rent. Beooooooooo.

V

This may come out as a weird post but its common thread is vaginas.

I had a dream a few nights ago that there were three of us women/girls (not sure what age I was but other girl someone from my past but looked like she was 12) who were at some carnival or festival or something. In order to participate or be able to enter some right of passage we had to undergo female circumcision. I remember panicking and thinking, "This isn't right! This can't be happening! Stop! Why am I still standing here in this line like I'm waiting." But the other girl--the one I recognized from church and whom I remember as very nice, docile, and Christian--kept saying, "It's ok. I'll go first." And she was standing there naked and had this very young prepubescent body and she walked off with the man who told us that we had to have our vaginas sewed up. And I kept picturing it and feeling terribly frightened. And that was all of that dream that I could remember. All three of us girls were Chinese American, I think. I have some suspicion of where this all came from but it still struck me as very weird.

-----------------------

Last night I went to a drag king show at my neighborhood gay bar. My first. Very fun. Apparently, it is a regular occurrence on Wednesdays that a group of lesbians does a drag/lip sync show. Some country, some alternative rock, some hip hop belted out by some very appealingly masculine guys. The only incongruity really appears when they speak and their voice seems completely at variance with their finely drawn facial hair. What makes us so different in terms of features, men and women. It's only a few hormones away it seems. Add the broad shoulders, narrow hips, a slight bulge in the crotch, a weighty step and the distinctions get a bit murky. Where did the vagina go anyway; hidden it seems.

No mi pequeña vida

Woohoo! I am done! Just performed my last commencement exercises...forever. Maybe. In any case, I feel like I'm on cloud nine. That I really did accomplish something in going to grad school. Lots of love for everyone. I'm posting the speech I made. It was straight from the heart. Mine to yours.

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I admit that when I first started this program, I had only a foggy idea of what social work was. I entered school with a vague notion that working with people was the most salient of pursuits. Noble cause, helping people. I came to school thinking I would learn how to do just that. Be a social worker.

I still remember hearing to my dismay, early in the start of our program, from Bart Grossman’s class that an Abraham Flexner had announced to a conference of social workers that social work was not a profession, but rather a handmaiden to real professions like medicine or education. Do you remember that class? That social work lacked a technique that could be taught through an educational process. It assumes that the solution to social ills is a path paved with good intentions. So to make the world a better place is a nice sentiment but does not a profession make.

I remember hearing that and having a sinking feeling in my stomach. What if that’s true? What if I just dedicated two years of my life to something that anyone with a feel-good desire to help people can do? What is social work anyway?

And now perhaps I have backed myself into a corner, because I have to give you an answer of what social work is, and if we learned how to be social workers in these past two years of school. I’ll offer you what I think it is, from my interactions and observations of you, my fellow classmates, and the classes and instruction I’ve had with our school’s faculty, and most of all my understanding from doing the work itself.

Social work is a profession. We are all receiving a piece of paper today that tells us so. But it is something more than that.

It is a belief in people, in the realization and active pursuit of the humanity that we see in others. A frame of understanding that we share citizenship with our clients, neighbors, classmates, teachers, and friends.

This is not work for the faint of heart. We seek out the socially forgotten and purposely overlooked. Not because we have any privilege that obligates this, but because human perfection is a myth. We all share the same capacity for success that we do for failure.

It is not a vain pursuit, that social workers change the world. We have no other choice. The good that we see in others is a good that we see in ourselves.

Sure, we are people in our environments, subject to the fixed inequalities and injustices of our society, but those mezzo and macro circles that press upon us are changed by our wills and beliefs in a world that can change.

In that 1915 conference speech, that self-same Flexner admitted “Social work appeals strongly to the humanitarian and spiritual element. It holds out no inducement to the worldly—neither comfort, glory, nor money. The unselfish devotion of those who have chosen to give themselves to making the world a fitter place to live in can fill social work with the professional spirit.”

This spirit is something professional, something lyrical. Many of you were practicing social work before you came to graduate school. We all know that you don’t need an MSW to do a lot of the work we do. And we’re going to learn most of our practice skills by being out in the workforce anyway. But these concentrated two years together have given me, at least, a sense of that which we all share as social workers.

Before I conclude, I want to say that the reason I wanted to do this speech in the first place was to be able to express to my fellow classmates what an honor and pleasure it has been to complete this program with you. It has been a pleasure.

I’ll leave you with a poem I found it in a collection of love poems, which strikes me as fitting the more I think about it. When I read it, it captured for me what we are as social workers, what we do, and a way of being that I hope we will carry with us. And I hope it captures that for you.

Las Vidas

escrito por Pablo Neruda

Ay qué incómoda a veces
te siento
conmigo, vencedor entre los hombres!

Porque no sabes
que conmigo vencieron
miles de rostros que no puedes ver,
miles de pies y pechos que macharon conmigo,
que no soy,
que no existo,
que sólo soy la frente de los que van conmigo,
que soy más fuerte
porque llevo en mí
no mi pequeña vida
sino todas las vidas,
y ando seguro hacia adelante
porque tengo mil ojos,
golpeo con peso de piedra
porque tengo mil manos
y mi voz se oye en las orillas
de todas las tierras
porque es la voz de todos
los que no hablaron,
de los que no cantaron
y cantan hoy con esta boca
que a ti te besa.


Lives

by Pablo Neruda

Ah how ill at ease sometimes
I feel you are
with me, victor among men!

Because you do not know
that with me were victorious
thousands of faces that you can not see,
thousands of feet and hearts that marched with me,
that I am not,
that I do not exist,
that I am only the front of those who go with me,
that I am stronger
because I bear in me
not my little life
but all the lives,
and i walk steadily forward
because I have a thousand eyes,
I strike with the weight of a rock
because I have a thousand hands
and my voice is heard on the shores
of all the lands
because it is the voice of all
those who did not speak,
of those who did not sing
and who sing today with this mouth
that kisses you.

Congratulations my friends and fellow social workers.

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I need to go to sleep because my sis, dad, and I will be driving back to Texas tomorrow. I can't help reflecting that I started this blog as a means of chronicling my experience as a MSW student and that has finally come to an end. The next post you read will have to do with life on the other side. Not as a student, but as a real, professional Sozialarbeiter! My mind is currently at a loss for profundity. Prost!

Here is Greenwood!

Graduate school is turning into a blur as I rush toward the end. The end is in sight. Must...make...it...to...Saturday... Today we had poster sessions for our research projects where we put up these display boards, very ala science fair. But it was splendid and it felt good to square one more thing away. Before the poster session there was an awards ceremony, which I skipped thinking it would not be any big deal to attend or not attend. Turns out I won the Greenwood-Emeritus Competence Writing Award for a paper I submitted! Crazy! People stopped me in the hall and told me and I thought they were all messing with me. I was given a nice framed certificate and $650. Wow! Its incredibly validating to know that my writing was recognized, as it has been a frustrating two years of producing papers that would only garner Bs and half-hearted A-s. So while I may not be any good at accurately answering my paper prompts or making assessments, I can write with some skill and flair. English degree, you were not a complete waste of 4 years. I'll leave you with the final paragraph from that paper

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Over the course of this school year I have sought a better understanding of the profession of social work, and I am starting to see that it is not a singular set of skills, experience, or even values. An MSW, or even LCSW, conveys an expertise that is still highly dependent on the individual practitioner. As such, it is up to the social workers to motivate themselves to be competent, knowledgeable, prepared, and eager in serving clients. I can do this.

On the crushing of testicles, God sayeth...

The Bible, illustrated with legos! So cute! All the great stories, like the seduction of Lot by his daughters, the genocide of Menonites and Philistines, all in plastic glory! A very fun flashback for someone like me, who attended Sunday school for way too long.

SF!

I gave myself a holiday today. BART was free today as I guess a gift from the transit authority owning to the fact that the highway interchange before the Bay Bridge collapsed. Harrowing story with flames and a daring escape. But in any case, I took advantage of the beautiful warm weather to take a jaunt into the city. Also notable on my excursion:

- a random biker told me i have very beautiful hair.
- had a conversation with the elevator dude at Coit Tower. he came from Shanghai 20 years ago. lived in virginia. Chinese people don't get paid as much here. the rest i couldn't quite make out because my chinese is not so great.
- saw the wild parrots of telegraph hill! they are green with red heads. magnificent.
- spent some time browsing at the city lights bookstore. very cool place! books are full price though.

This in an attempt to stall having to finish my work for school and work on that speech. Gah. Will work...tomorrow.

My fellow MSWs

These next few weeks...these last few weeks...

In about 4 weeks I will have completed my 2 years of graduates study. Done with graduate school? Ahhh! Time to be a real adult! (Or something like that)

Before then...
- 2 presentations
- 2 final papers
- 1 final research project
and...
- 1 graduation speech!

I auditioned and was chosen to be our student graduation speaker at our commencement exercises on May 12. I didn't think I would get picked, but apparently my heartfelt, humanistic speech went over well with our graduation committee and so I was picked. Eeek! I'll post it once I've worked on it and finalized it some more, but something for you to look forward to. To address my fellow students, to tell my dad what social work is, to give myself closure and move on.

snoqualmie

Ok, I didn't go to Snoqualmie, but I vaguely associate the word with Seattle because my sis went on a trip to Seattle and went to the falls and I think it is just a cute name. Snoqualmie!

Report of conclusion of Spring Break...went to Seattle with sis to visit much loved friend. (KK, your the best!) We also went with the intention of scoping out Seattle U for my sis. I think despite her reservations--a too chipper L1 student giving us an über positive tour of the school and a very white class that we sat in on where students looked up celebrity news and updated their myspace accounts on their laptops--she loves Seattle and may just end up there. We had a lovely time too playing with friend, meeting people, and traipsing around downtown. It was so weird though to think about graduate school, leaving it or staring it anew. Phases of life. Next steps. Adulthood...ok, i'm scaring myself. Last word about that...Snoqualmie!

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Oh, in poking around the internet for a picture of Seattle, I popped to this blog by a Seattlite woman. She's thirty and married. She just had a baby. She's a geologist. Writes such frank and funny entries about her life. Beautiful and simple. Check it out misspudding.

La Primavera!

Frau Löwe

Meerkats!

Spring Break
a break to catch the fine mornings of spring
and forget those things that are insignificant
for things that I forgot were mammothly most significant
like sunshine, frozen yogurt, geese, and sake.

Oh, I'd be remiss if I don't first tell you how the conference went. My research partner and I stayed up late drafting a comprehensive overview of our research findings, having surveyed our student body about what they thought about ethnic diversity at our school. Come conference day we stressed over our presentation drafts and practiced our speeches and then piled into our panel room, which was...the size of a closet. It was so small that we sat with the attendees around a table. So much for big formal presentation. So we talked about our findings. Then some sociology students talked about what it was like to be a woman of color in soc. The panel didn't all relate to itself, but I guess that's ok. The conference was about changing the culture of the academy to allow for more diversity as a means for achieving excellence. The cheese at the reception afterwards was glorious.

On to Spring Break!

(Oh yeah, I took a 3-hour test for San Fran County child welfare. Gah, I want to know the results. Will I have a job?)

- Oakland Zoo. Animales! A pretty small zoo, but fun to see the giant fruit bats and lions and chimpanzees and alligators and tropical birdies and sun bear. And this male baboon that totally sexually assaulted a female baboon. She just deflected and started grooming him. It was more of the ppl going, "Oh god!"
- Lake Merrit. The land bound lake in Oakland with lots of high-rise condos scattered around. Grimly beautiful, with many geese. Cute shops and lots of ppl in abundance.
- Scharffen Berger Factory. Our local chocolate factory in Berkeley! I ate more chocolate in samples that I have all month. Delicious chocolate though.
- Takara Sake Factory. Our local sake factory with free tasting. I wasn't that taken with the standard sake, but quite delighted by the dessert ones. Plum sake is smooth and delicious. yum yum.
- My apartment. So clean now that I took the time to clean it with my roommate. How it sparkles!

A Hundred Million Miracles

I guess this will be more a recollection of events that thorough processing. I wanted to devote individual entries to these, but due to time and psychic energy--the lack thereof--I resort again to bullet points.

- Went to see Stephen Hawking speak. Was great to feel like part of a social phenomenon or something to see him, but he was basically wheeled to the middle of the stage in Berkeley's big performance hall where he commenced to present a powerpoint lecture on the origins of the universe, a highly generalized discussion right out of his book. Hmm. But still cool to see this person, the physicist and cultural icon.

- Went to a rally for Barack Obama in Oakland. Didn't really see him, more like just heard him. Was disappointed that the speech was so politicky with buzz topics like the war in Iraq and universal health care. I was looking for inspiration and I got generalities. Ai. That's ok. I will still keep my eye on him. For him to talk about racial disparities sounds truer for his identity and personal experience than I can believe for the other candidates. I'll keep my eyes and ears open.

- Went to see the Flower Drum Song, a Rogers and Hammerstein musical movie from 1961, that takes place in San Francisco's Chinatown. Conventional, or course, but messes with stereotypes about Chinese Americans too in challenging ways. Also so affirming to see an entire cast of Asians doing it all, acting, singing, dancing, falling in love, wreaking revenge, being filial, or striving for success. It was part of the Asian American Film Festival in San Fran, a sing-a-long! Fun for that reason too.

- Also, ah. I will be presenting on a panel at a conference this week on my research project, having to do with surveying the MSW student body on their perceptions of ethnic diversity in our school. Gah, I'm freaked out a bit, but I think it will be a great learning experience. Ah. A link about the conference http://cci.berkeley.edu/news/.

- Friday I take a written exam as part of the application process to doing CPS with San Francisco county. Egad, I need to brush up on safety/risk assessment to prepare. Wish me luck!

Chapter 4

From Steinbeck's Cannery Row.
(The painting is of Monterey by Chiura Obata, formerly interned during Japanese internment and former professor at Berkeley.)
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Chapter 4

In the evening just at dusk, a curious thing happened on Cannery Row. It happened in the time between sunset and the lighting of the street light. There is a small quiet gray period then. Down the hill, past the Palace Flophouse, down the chicken walk and through the vacant lot came an old Chinaman. He wore an ancient flat straw hat, blue jeans, both coat and trousers, and heavy shoes of which one sole was loose so that it clapped the ground when he walked. In his hand he carried a covered wicker basket. His face was lean and brown and corded as jerky and his old eyes were brown, even the whites were brown and deep set so that they looked out of holes. He came by just at dusk and crossed the street and went through the opening between Western Biological and the Hediondo Cannery. Then he crossed the little beach and disappeared among the piles and steel posts which supported the piers. No one say him again until dawn.

But in the dawn, during that time when the street light has been turned off and the daylight has not come, the old Chinaman crept out from among the piles, crossed the beach and the street. His wicker basket was heavy and wet and dripping now. His loose sole flap-flapped on the street. He went up the hill to the second street, went through a gate in a high board fence and was not seen again until evening. People, sleeping, heard his flapping shoe go by and they awakened for a moment. It had been happening for years but no one ever got used to him. Some people thought he was God and very old people thought he was Death and children thought he was a very funny old Chinaman, as children always think anything old and strange is funny. But the children did not taunt him or shout at him as they should for he carried a little cloud of fear about him.

Only one brave and beautiful boy of ten named Andy from Salinas ever crossed the old Chinaman. Andy was visiting from Monterey and he saw the old man and knew he must shout at him if only to keep his self-respect, but even Andy, brave as he was, felt the little cloud of fear. Andy watched him go by evening after evening while his duty and his terror wrestled. And then one evening Andy braced himself and marched behind the old man singing in a shrill falsetto, "Ching-Chong, Chinaman sitting on a rail--'Long came a white man an' chopped off his tail."

The old man stopped and turned. Andy stopped. The deep-brown eyes looked at Andy and the thin corded lips moved. What happened then Andy was never able either to explain or forget. For the eyes spread out until there was no Chinaman. And then it was one eye--one huge brown eye as big as a church door. Andy looked through the shiny transparent brown door and through it he saw a lonely countryside, flat for miles but ending against a row of fantastic mountains shaped like cows' and dogs' heads and tents and mushrooms. There was low coarse grass on the plain and here and there a little mound. And a small animal like a woodchuck sat on each mound. And the loneliness--the desolate cold aloneness of the landscape made Andy whimper because there wasn't anybody in the world and he was left. Andy shut his eyes so he wouldn't have to see it any more and when he opened them, he was in Cannery Row and the old Chinaman was just flop-flapping between Western Biological and the Hediondo Cannery. Andy was the only boy who ever did that and he never did it again.

Something is a-brewing...

It's coming! 2008 when we can flex out political will and change the direction of our nation, albeit as far as our elected reps will take it. I went to a rally for John Edwards in Berkeley on Sunday just to see a Democratic hopeful speak. (I'm still all about Obama.) He was striking in a soap opera star kind of way and charismatic as someone who has publicly voiced opinions about health care and poverty for many years. And it was interesting to hear that he has big plans for universal health care and admits to regretting having supported the war, but when he spoke of racial discrimination he witnessed in the South while growing up it just didn't ring true for me. What can this white dude have to say about personal experiences of racism against African Americans? His understanding, no matter how personal and deeply felt will never compare with that of a person of color. Does our nation need more white leaders? Anyway, that is how I felt about it. I think the crowd on Sunday was just hungry to rally around some Democratic alternative to Bush, though the murmurs I overheard were speckled with "Obama" and "Hillary."

Sleeping at Last

I feel like I've been leaving you with little offerings the past few weeks. Thanks to my faithful readers! (I think I know who you all are too.) But life's been good actually, as of late. Feeling optimistic about school and even child welfare. The prospect of graduation is so sweet and a new phase of life that includes stable employment, in the meantime, is comforting. So able now I am to sleep without the anxiety of old. There is happiness in the air.

I leave you with a poem by Christina Rossetti. I know it's probably really all about death, but taken in the literal, I like it as a call to a sense of peace, though not the final peace, or whatever.

Sleeping at Last

Sleeping at last, the trouble and tumult over,
Sleeping at last, the struggle and horror past,
Cold and white, out of sight of friend and of lover,
Sleeping at last.

No more a tired heart downcast or overcast,
No more pangs that wring or shifting fears that hover,
Sleeping at last in a dreamless sleep locked fast.

Fast asleep. Singing birds in their leafy cover
Cannot wake her, not shake her the gusty blast.
Under the purple thyme and the purple clover
Sleeping at last.

febrero

So far February has been a muddle towards spring. The rainy weather has begun to peter out into sunshine and warmth once again, a most welcome change from the gray and wet. I did make a brief escape from the Berkeley fog in order to go for the first time to Tahoe for a snowboarding adventure, which was really quite wonderful. The rain in Berkeley actually indicated a good snow in Tahoe, or so went the murmurs I heard from many people. I guess in terms of outdoor sport activities, skiing and snowboarding figure pretty highly here in NorCal and occupy the kind of position that maybe surfing and watersports do down South. We drove out up into the mountains where gray chilliness turned into rain and then into snow flurries. There were stations where ppl had to stop to put chains on their tires and big men in orange snowsuits who earned $25 a pop to help outfit tires. In Tahoe we stayed at my friend's sister's house, a gorgeous home that was luxuriously outfitted, meaning for me a fantastic kitchen. (I learned how to make potato leek soup.) We ended up spending one day indoors b/c the rain made the snow slushy--a day of complete relaxation too cook, play games, and watch dvds.

The last day we were there was the snowboarding adventure. In borrowed ski clothes (with ski pants that I never managed to button up, thank goodness for long jackets!) and rented boots I did my fair share of dragging and falling and sniffling for the glory of a little swish! swish! down the bunny slope. Funny Bunny, you kicked my butt and left marks but I love you all the same. I must say, one of the greatest feelings was to ride up on the ski lift where all is quiet and it is just you and the swirling snowflakes, down below ppl slowly sliding down the slopes but up high they might as well just be little tangles of twigs. And the silence of no more voices, just the hum of the lift and the cloudy sound of wind rushing past your ears.

Yo soy estudiante.

Ai, busy with classes. Taking Spanish two evenings a week. Internship is crazy busy--can't imagine a full caseload of child welfare clients. Have to start applying to counties in the Bay Area soon for jobs. I have become quite deft at procrastination. Snapped Frida off the wall of a bookstore in downtown Berkeley. The stencil/spray paint art/graffiti is quite ubiquitous here in Berkeley. I play with the idea of collecting photos of all the images I stumble across. If that ever materializes, this is photo #1.

Bello, bellisimo.

Life proceeds uneventfully. Spring is coming. The sun shines more warmly each day, though trees still poke their empty branches against the bright blue skies. School has just begun and I find myself taking the minimum of classes, leaving me with perhaps far too much loose time on my hands. Hmm, or just avoiding the productive activities I should be doing, like searching for a job and working on my research project. Anyway, so one of my time-filler activities was visiting flea markets and farmer's markets. This medieval weapon of a broccoli came from a farmer's market in Oakland. A "Romanesco" the seller said. How do you even eat this puppy, I don't know.

Where angels fear to tread

Berkeley. Again, but this time to finish off my last semester of graduate school. To know that I have to discover for myself what is important in my life. To know that there are no easy answers as to what I am supposed to do with my education or career. These few days of just my internship at CPS without classes has given me a taste of what the next 2 years of my life will be like. What will I do with myself when I no longer have school and assignments to occupy my hours when I'm not at work? Hmm. I think this was how I got into knitting and gardening in the past. What will my life look like in the next year? Will I like it?

I've spent the last few days walking around at the Berkeley Marina and here are some pictures taken during these strolls with the aid of my cell phone. That is why they are a bit washed out and funky, but this is what it looks like in this city where I live.

Incidentally, I've been reading Forster's A Passage to India, and feel pensive over how culture and race are so mixed in with miscommunication and inabilities of humans to understand one another. I know, I need to switch to reading more comics or something, huh?