Sleeping at Last

I feel like I've been leaving you with little offerings the past few weeks. Thanks to my faithful readers! (I think I know who you all are too.) But life's been good actually, as of late. Feeling optimistic about school and even child welfare. The prospect of graduation is so sweet and a new phase of life that includes stable employment, in the meantime, is comforting. So able now I am to sleep without the anxiety of old. There is happiness in the air.

I leave you with a poem by Christina Rossetti. I know it's probably really all about death, but taken in the literal, I like it as a call to a sense of peace, though not the final peace, or whatever.

Sleeping at Last

Sleeping at last, the trouble and tumult over,
Sleeping at last, the struggle and horror past,
Cold and white, out of sight of friend and of lover,
Sleeping at last.

No more a tired heart downcast or overcast,
No more pangs that wring or shifting fears that hover,
Sleeping at last in a dreamless sleep locked fast.

Fast asleep. Singing birds in their leafy cover
Cannot wake her, not shake her the gusty blast.
Under the purple thyme and the purple clover
Sleeping at last.

febrero

So far February has been a muddle towards spring. The rainy weather has begun to peter out into sunshine and warmth once again, a most welcome change from the gray and wet. I did make a brief escape from the Berkeley fog in order to go for the first time to Tahoe for a snowboarding adventure, which was really quite wonderful. The rain in Berkeley actually indicated a good snow in Tahoe, or so went the murmurs I heard from many people. I guess in terms of outdoor sport activities, skiing and snowboarding figure pretty highly here in NorCal and occupy the kind of position that maybe surfing and watersports do down South. We drove out up into the mountains where gray chilliness turned into rain and then into snow flurries. There were stations where ppl had to stop to put chains on their tires and big men in orange snowsuits who earned $25 a pop to help outfit tires. In Tahoe we stayed at my friend's sister's house, a gorgeous home that was luxuriously outfitted, meaning for me a fantastic kitchen. (I learned how to make potato leek soup.) We ended up spending one day indoors b/c the rain made the snow slushy--a day of complete relaxation too cook, play games, and watch dvds.

The last day we were there was the snowboarding adventure. In borrowed ski clothes (with ski pants that I never managed to button up, thank goodness for long jackets!) and rented boots I did my fair share of dragging and falling and sniffling for the glory of a little swish! swish! down the bunny slope. Funny Bunny, you kicked my butt and left marks but I love you all the same. I must say, one of the greatest feelings was to ride up on the ski lift where all is quiet and it is just you and the swirling snowflakes, down below ppl slowly sliding down the slopes but up high they might as well just be little tangles of twigs. And the silence of no more voices, just the hum of the lift and the cloudy sound of wind rushing past your ears.

Yo soy estudiante.

Ai, busy with classes. Taking Spanish two evenings a week. Internship is crazy busy--can't imagine a full caseload of child welfare clients. Have to start applying to counties in the Bay Area soon for jobs. I have become quite deft at procrastination. Snapped Frida off the wall of a bookstore in downtown Berkeley. The stencil/spray paint art/graffiti is quite ubiquitous here in Berkeley. I play with the idea of collecting photos of all the images I stumble across. If that ever materializes, this is photo #1.

Bello, bellisimo.

Life proceeds uneventfully. Spring is coming. The sun shines more warmly each day, though trees still poke their empty branches against the bright blue skies. School has just begun and I find myself taking the minimum of classes, leaving me with perhaps far too much loose time on my hands. Hmm, or just avoiding the productive activities I should be doing, like searching for a job and working on my research project. Anyway, so one of my time-filler activities was visiting flea markets and farmer's markets. This medieval weapon of a broccoli came from a farmer's market in Oakland. A "Romanesco" the seller said. How do you even eat this puppy, I don't know.

Where angels fear to tread

Berkeley. Again, but this time to finish off my last semester of graduate school. To know that I have to discover for myself what is important in my life. To know that there are no easy answers as to what I am supposed to do with my education or career. These few days of just my internship at CPS without classes has given me a taste of what the next 2 years of my life will be like. What will I do with myself when I no longer have school and assignments to occupy my hours when I'm not at work? Hmm. I think this was how I got into knitting and gardening in the past. What will my life look like in the next year? Will I like it?

I've spent the last few days walking around at the Berkeley Marina and here are some pictures taken during these strolls with the aid of my cell phone. That is why they are a bit washed out and funky, but this is what it looks like in this city where I live.

Incidentally, I've been reading Forster's A Passage to India, and feel pensive over how culture and race are so mixed in with miscommunication and inabilities of humans to understand one another. I know, I need to switch to reading more comics or something, huh?

Fröhliche Weihnachten!

Wah! i've just stuffed myself with a dinner of spare ribs, fried noodles, pineapple sauced redfish, bamboo shoots, chinese broccoli, and fried rice. oi, the chinese buffet-style christmas dinner. i hope your winter holiday is tempered with glorious gluttony. oh that sweet potato. I just can't get enough!
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Oh, the creepy monkeys pictured there refer to some smashing flannel monkey pants that my sister gave me. Can we say, "Oook"?

Welcome to the Monkey House

(I went to the library today and read some stories by Kurt Vonnegut, one of which lent its title to the title of the anthology as well as the subject of my blog entry. He's got some small-town-soldier-come-home romance stories that are sooo sappy and yet sooo satisfying to read. Well, two is about all I can really take before I start to feel my cavities aching. )

So, I'm back in Houston. Yes. And intent on making this visit a positive one, where I can enjoy being with my parents, sisters, and granny without guilt, craziness, and too much frustration. So far, I've had some moments where I wanted to pull at my hair and hitchhike out of Houston, but that's more or less petered out into steely resolve to get through this visit with patience and--damn it--happiness. Mostly, I've been trying to clean out our accumulated 10 years of clutter. Kitchen, laundry room, refrigerator, bathrooms... I don't even know that I've really made a dent, but I think I need to feel useful and that I'm sorting out the chaos of my house. Ah. Maybe being in motion carrying out bags of trash will also do something about all the food I keep eating. A semester of eating hummus and sprouts completely wiped out by two days of steamed buns and pork bones. Damn it.

O Tennenbaum, O Tennenbaum!

Ai, amidst the craziness of trying to complete essays for school and be effective and competent at my internship I've been feeling extra stressed and anxious. I think only now do I feel like I have some perspective on what I'm doing and what my responsibilities are. This includes 3 finals that I need to get done over the next week. *Whimper* Ah, but I am very glad that my roommate and I went and got ourselves a Christmas tree! Yes, it is a little bare sitting on its white plastic disposal bag, but it is beautiful is it not? For lack of a variety of ornaments, it is decorated with some glass balls from Long's, origami birds, and stuffed animals. For lack of an angel or star topper, I stuck my black -woman -perhaps -Aunt -Jemimia -not -culturally -competent - but - very -interesting finger puppet from Peru.

I'm very much looking forward to going home this year. See the family and just be home (to be able to be with my family but not overwhelmed by them). See old friends and catch up. Run around Houston a bit and just relax. Mmm, some home-cooked Chinese food will not be bad either. One more week!

love is to rose and limerance is to...

I'm writing up my paper for human sexuality class and in trying to find accurate definitions I ran across this word: limerance. Click on the link to its definition in wikipedia under my new words list and tell me what you think. Is there such a psychological state that is something more than a crush? Maybe infatuation isn't the right word for lingering desire for someone? Do you think you've experienced limerance? Comment and tell me what you think.

give thanks for black friday

Chinese Theater in Hollywood, cultural competence anyone?

Downtown public library. The quote on the building says, "Books alone are liberal and free. They give to all who ask. They emancipate all who serve them faithfully."

Metro! The subway.

Happy Black Friday from LA! Well, let me start from the top, eh? All alone in Berkeley for Thanksgiving--my sis took off for home--and looking forward to a bleak few days all by my lonesome...and my roommate was nice enough to invite me home with him southward to spend time with his family. So, I finally got to explore the southern end of Cali with a warm, welcoming family. It was quite a mess up to that point, trying to slug out a research proposal draft in 2 days then returning home to try to scramble together a acorn squash pie from scratch (which came out smashingly by the way; lots of fun boiling and scrapping squash; but just a tad heavy on the cloves). We didn't set off until quite late; this six-hour vehicular travel adventure, which was made possible through the magic of cd recorded music. Got in at 12:30. Met the family dog, a puggle, which even now greets me with high energy leaping and pant biting.

The next day enjoyed the sun and scrubby mountains on the way to my roommate's aunt's house where she prepared a very gourmet Thanksgiving meal. Never had a homecooked meal where I sat around a table with three different glasses and three different plates, and all kinds of silverware. Very fancy! The family was also very nice and had a pleasant conversation with a grandma. Absolutely stuffed on food and pie, we tripped away to see a movie at a mall, classic aLA I take it. We saw Happy Feet, a weird animated movie about penguins that was kinda all over the place, though very cute. Then wandered the empty mall and played on the plushy indoor playscape. I think malls are way more enjoyable when they are empty. Came back, watched some Jaws, and had a weird dream about my family fleeing an earthquake from our rainforesty/wooden stilt house in a Buick.

Today, Black Friday. Ads galore advertising all the amazing deals on electronics for which ppl lined up all night to take advantage of. Avoided the madness with a late start. But set off for a driving adventure. Santa Monica, Malibu, Highway 1o1, Pepperdine U., UCLA, Sunset Blvd., MacArthur Park, La Placita, and Hollywood. Most enjoyed from the window of the car, but much to be enjoyed also by subway. Wee! Then another movie, but of course, the Departed, a the Chinese Theater (not very culturally competent, I might add, but whatever). Movie much the drama, very Hollywood with intense acting. Then exit theater to a mall. Ahh. A mall with enourmous statue elephants. Too much! I feel like I need to read a book. Hee.

sweet potatoes, persimmons, and papayas

all orange.

feel caught and split between school and field placement. this the second-year students had warned us of. where does the psychic energy go? finish up two days of classes to throw myself into three days of child welfare. so far the child welfare portion is what dogs my thoughts and dreams. incompetence and mistakes and immaturity. my self-esteem gets very small when i think about my internship. the feelings of, "christ, what am i doing?" then feeling like an aweful student because i get so little done during the week and on the weekends. eee, this is a depressing post, eh?

hmm...let's find something more light hearted.

oh, had a wonderful experience interviewing my sister's coworker in Sac. she's someone who at the age of 65 found the liberation and independence that she never had living always as someone's dependent. First with men, then with women, and now finally on her own, making it on her own. It was an interview for my human sexuality class so you can imagine there were other things that I asked, but the message she left me with was a exuberance for life and a gratitude for how good things are. Ai, it was beautiful.

I'm Ten, Have Lots of Friends and Don't Care

a poem by Marilyn Chin

The old fat man who lived nearer to the neon clock
came down the fire escape only once a year.
He was ugly like Mr. Wang Wei and even worse,
One day he opened up his red baggy pants and said,
"for you, my children, for you."
And sister and me got to milk his bull.
Five years later, we giggled and knew it was wrong.
He was dead now and we shouldn't "blacken a dead man's eye with rocks and lies."
Grandma cursed us for having no heart.
I looked down at my chest and surely she was right.

Sister turns beautiful and moves to the country suddenly.
I'n still ten, have lots of friends and don't care.
Some say the old man died with loneliness and no furniture.
Hie life certainly didn't fit his name which was "Lucky."
God, everybody's name is "Lucky," "Healthy," "Joy," or "Money."
Chinese names are all like that.
Except for sister who moved to the country.
She changed it to Rose and Ma hasn't talked to her since.
Grandma spews four-character phrases and I know
I'll never see my sister again.

apartment and lavender kitten

I think I'll rise my head out of the swamp of school long enough to tell you something I saw there in the murky waters.

1. Yesterday I was waiting for the bus and was accosted by a lively Chinese Fillipina who seemed ecstatic to meet another Southeast Asian Chinese person. Along with harranguing me about when the bus would arrive she also tried to pitch to me an apartment she was renting (a three bedroom with one room for 3 ppl? i had a hard time making out the confirguration was) as well as inviting me over to eat with her. On the bus she tried point out to me, not discretely enough, that the black women on the bus with their babies were out to get government money and didn't have to work. It's the middle class that get's screwed over, she said. Uh, ok. Good luck finding tenants.

2. A poem I found by Alonzo Lopez.

THE LAVENDER KITTEN

Miles and miles of pasture
roled on before me.
Covered with grass and clover
dyed pink, white, and blue.
At the edge of the fluctuating
sea of watercolors
Sat a lavender kitten.
Its fur glinted from an oscillating
ray of pink.
Quivered gently at the touch of a
swirling blue breeze.
Its emerald eyes glittered
And gazed blindly at the lighting
and fading sky of hazy red,
Yellow, white, and blue.
My heart knocked within my chest.
I must have the lavender kitten!
I ran across the multi-colored field,
my arms reaching forward.
Time slower.
I tried to run faster
but moved twice as slowly.
The blue breeze circled and tightened
around me,
Holding me back.
The kitten rose and stretched
sending lavender mist
Swimming in every direction.
It turned and started away
in huge, slow strides.
I follow and,
by a shimmering prism lake,
I came within reach of the kitten.
I offered my hand
and the kitten edged away,
Farther and farther.
The lake turned from crystal
to deep purple.
I looked around.
The colors began to melt.
The red sun turned to dull gray.
The color-filled sky turned to black.
The grass and clover began
to wither and die.
I looked down into the pool before me,
There, at the bottom of
the orchid glass cage,
Lay the lavender kitten.

it's the little things...

My life has been school, internship, school, internship for the past few weeks. Very little excitement that came in the form of very little things. Of things that are worthy of reporting, there are

1) aphids! These ickle things have decimated my cilantro plant and are now working on my strawberry plants. I quickly quarantined them away from my other young herbs but am at a loss for how to save my slowly dying plants. Ah, the cilantro is a goner. The strawberry's stems are turning red and flopping over. Darn those tiny drops of honeydew! Darn them to heck.

and

2) pokey, the subject of the above visual representation. I found him while searching with my visiting friend through the Castro district for a sushi place, which was ultimatley closed. Found him in a Pictionary game box, which I also picked up. Oh Pokey, whose red-orange has inspired a thousand crayons.

Incidently, the Pictionary game will be a perfect addition to my small collection of board games that will get a little exercise this Friday as my roommate and I are hosting our first social: a game night! Open house for classmates and friends. A chance to share aphids and Pokey with the world!

mini fridge mini fridge

Much discouraged by the prospect of working in child welfare. Feel trapped doing something that I am worried I will not like. That I am feeling as if it doesn't matter if I like it because I will be doing it anyway. Rrr. Discouraged and ambivalent.

But strengths, right? I won a mini fridge in a sweepstakes drawing with Bank of America. It is white and random but I won it and now it sits in its box in my living room. Not sure what I'll do with it. Keep drinks by my desk? Very random.

Wochenende!

Weekends are of absolute necessity. I feel rejuvenated and prepared for the coming week. Why you ask? Well let's see:

- Returned and bought shoes. Also a semi-court-worthy looking bag that looks like my mom's purse. Need to curb impulse to buy things in the name of internship, though professional clothing is of necessity. (Yes, lacking nothing else worth posting, I have posted a pic of my purchases.)
- Went to be a subject in a psych experiement. More like pre-experiment that was just to train a girl to be familiar with how to use an electrode cap and use the brain reading software. Wore a swim cap thing with 64 electrodes attached. Had electrode gel squirted into my hair to increase conductivity. Cap harnessed to my chest with a rainbow elastic band. I looked like something out of Napoleon Dynamite. Got to see ranbow lines of my brain waves. Peaked when I blinked and whenever I looked over at my co-subject. Then experimenter washed my hair in a salon sink they have in the lab. Random! Earned $30. Random!
- Went to Hawaiian Film festival in South San Fran. Hawaiian cultural center in a quaint neighborhood of crowded houses. Sawone film about Puana Leo, movement in Hawai'i to provide immersion school in Hawaiian to kids from preschool through high school. Also saw film on attempts of local Hawaiians to reclaim their streams, long diverted by American plantation owners to grow sugar cane. To grow taro and bring back local fish. To eat traditional foods once again. Also had a spam sushi thing that was actually pretty good.
- Cooked spaghetti squash. Turned out nice too!
- Attended softball practice. Still can't catch a thing - more often that I accidently bonk the ball on myself - but am ok at bat.
- Cooked dumplings for a class potluck. And even made the dipping sauce. Ha, no sodas and forks for me.

Ok, so nothing profound in this post. Just recalling events that made me happy. Because every moment in between those activities was spent in reading. reading, reading. Which is now what I must get back to in a vain attempt to finish it all. Ah weekends!

Do you know where your children are?

So, have just completed my first week of interning with a California county's child preotective services. Phew. Many mixed emotions. Fear, being one of them. Petrification. Is that a word? Hearing stories about child abuse, and especially sexual abuse, disgust and terrify me. Hmm. And then there is the dread of the bureaucracy. Supervisor upon superviror. Diplomacy in who you approach and how you talk to them. Discretion. What about competence? How the hell do I learn how to make correct judgments in children's best interests? My god, what responsibility! And court! Testifying before belligerent lawyers. Eeep!

That's the general malaise that clouds my mind thus far. Splendid, I know.

Ah, I have also started up with our intramural Social Welfare softball team, Social Workers Gone Wild. And though I have always thought of myself as the opposite of an athlete, I must say that I love playing softball. Who knew that catching balls and hitting them could be so much fun. Having never played in my life I am pretty much the worst player on our team, but we have such a great time it doesn't matter. We were tossing balls around and ended up playing a pickup game with the IM umpires. Networking good relations, right? Fantastic fun. I went out and bought a glove and baseball shirt tonight. Woohoo! Oh, and the title of this post is what the team captain suggested we stick on our shirts. heeeee.
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In light of everything, my goal for this semester is self care. I need to take care of my psychic health. Therefore...apartment, yoga, softball, opera (watching, not singing), good food, positive socializing. Live life, right? And live it well.

Ikea kicks back

Because I will spending the next three days sequestered in my apartment studying. Because I'm not sure how I will survive another twenty articles of reading. Because I was feeling really boring having not even changed out of my pajamas. Here's a look at what my living room looks like. Still a little bare, but not barenaked like it was a few days ago. Last Saturday it pretty much came into existance as we secured all that furniture off craigslist and friends with the time limited use of a friend's truck. I think the look is a bit "contemporary" but what can you do when your budget is more like used Ikea than catalogue Pottery Barn. Nevertheless, I really like it. My course packets are already shrewn all over the couch. (That couch, by the way, was a hell monkey to get up two flights of stairs. It acquired stains, rips, and blood streaks on the trek up. It's not going anywhere soon. Don't worry, the blood's all cleaned off.)

berkeley resumes

Ah, the first week of school is now drawing to a close and I am still in shock that I have to carry a backpack -- well, full of books -- and a calendar. And wear a watch that I have to consult multiple times and with great feelings of anxiety and necessity. Ah, school. I'm taking four classes, plus yoga. I've decided that this semester needs to be defined by self care. Only taking on what I know I can handle, and handle competently and well. I dropped a thrillingly interesting graduate course in the School of Education because I know I would not be able to keep up with all the energy and intellectual fervor that such a class demands. County child welfare looms in my near future and deserves my fullest stretches of attention, psychic and emotional. I can do this. I will be a good CPS worker. A damn good one. I just need to take care of myself along the way.

Otherwise, life has been a lot of shopping for my apartment. I forget how much goes into furnishing and outfitting a home when you start from zero. Looks like the kitchen is done; cooking has been such a pleasure. Living room still needs a couch and coffee table to make it a nice shared living space. So far my roommate and I pretty much hang out in our respective rooms if we are not both in the kitchen and it would be nice to not have to hide out like that. And to be able to have ppl over to watch movies and potlocks... Ambitious socializing ideas. May not materialize. We shall see how I manage to balance school and life.

the pics are in!

Hello friends. All the pictures are finally up for my trip. You can browse at will to old posts and see visual confirmation for all the wild claims I made about what I was doing this summer. Ooo, and if you want to comment stick 'em on this post so I can read 'em.

The pictures are up. School starts tomorrow. Summer is over. Cry.

[Oh, and if anyone wants to help me out with some html, I can't figure out what is making the text get progressively bigger on the quotes at the bottom of my blog. Sorry, it is really annoying. Didn't mean to add so much emphasis.]