Blackbird singing in the dead of night

I couldn't sleep. It's four in the morning and I'm awake and posting on my blog. The first night that here in my apartment alert and alone while the world outside quietly sleeps. I can remember such moments first distinctly when I when I was twelve or so in the house of my childhood. I insisted, with pride and fledgling independence, that I wanted my own room and my parents gave one to me by partitioning our dark and unused living room in the front of the house. Away from the other rooms where my family slept, I found myself very independent and very alone, but not altogether so secure, with bookshelves and a display case as my wall away from the cluttered room beside me and the front door. I always imagined an earthquake or a falling person toppling that makeshift wall, and I pushed my bed as far from there as possible.

Sometimes in the night, with my head besides my heavily curtained window, I could hear a bird. Always in the wee hours of the morning, I could hear it crying out in the night and the baby bird sounds that broke out in response. Now that I think about it, I realize there may have been a nest in the eaves beneath the roof, but at the time I thought that the nest must be in the Chinese chestnut tree that drooped in our lawn over the driveway. Always in the dark I heard the birds, and far from being comforted they scared me. What were they doing so late at night? Talking to each other so loudly that they woke their sleeping neighbor.

In that room, far from my sisters and parents, I remember waking again, with welcomed relief, to the sounds of my mother making breakfast and crawling out to the kitchen when she called me to eat.

Back to bed, I think. Goodnite.

Hi. I know it's been so long since I've blogged. I wonder who still checks. Mostly I've been feeling a general sense of malaise that has been hard for me to understand much less explain or write about, but felt inspired to revisit the old thing after a long day of internet surfing at work. (Ok, so it's not an "after." I'm still here. I will, by the way, be doing actual work today when I go to a home visit. Soon. For real.)

So let's see what this electronic chronicle of my life should include. I did get a permanent job with Alameda County, doing child welfare. It starts on the 22nd and I'm pretty excited to start something new. Yeah, the excitement of true blue employment is weighed down with my ever increasing disappointment and unease with working in child welfare, but one thing at a time. Let's get the student loan paid off and then think about career fulfillment shall we? Plus, I will not have to commute so far every day to get to work. Woohoo! This unfortunately will probably cut out my favorite morning show that I listen to on the radio, but I can always catch last week's sexy-time fun facts on their website(check out the interview with Patrick Oneal: hilarious).

I did spend a week in September back in Texas. A few days in Houston with my momsy and my older sister soaking up some family time. Then that weekend I went to Austin for a good friend's baby shower and Austin City Limits. ACL was really my way of trying to grasp hold of an Austin that I never experienced. Damn, it was hot outside. I did enjoy the evening concerts though. Beside my almost passing out from dehydration, I got some vouchers for free ringtones for my phone. I love free stuff.

It's be rainy these past few days. And today it was so chilly outside. Winter is coming now, no doubt. It both scary and thrilling, though, watching the rain splash and tinkle on the lake. Well, off to Vacaville. Welcome back.