Ah, the halcyon days of...winter?

Ah, zipping through the last of this Thanksgiving day-off-a-thon. It has been a like a nice, long, meditative breath before heading back into the harried responsibilities of work.

Work has been something of a grind stone the last few weeks, and has clarified something for me: I can't continue to do child welfare. And I'm not even sure how I feel about social work, though that thought is totally confounded by my frustration with child welfare. I let the fear and worry over the decisions I have to make in my job tear at me in a way that is not healthy. The responsibilities become enormous to me and the natural mistakes that I make seem so life-altering. Any "successful" reunification of child with family is troubled by the continuing dynamics of that family and the destructiveness that may very well persist and harm kids in their future. I remind myself now that my job is child safety, not the creation of perfect families or homes. But the knowledge of so much suffering is hard for me to bear. I can't watch movies at all where kids are in any way harmed. I feel sick knowing that these terrible things are happening to kids. And already happened to my own kids at work. I can't even imagine having my own kids anymore, knowing the things that could happen to these beings that don't even exist! Phew, let me take a breath. I have six more months to complete at my job, and then I can begin really taking stock of my options. I guess I can do that now, really, but I fear that I won't find what I'm looking for elsewhere either. Hm, enough of the burden that cannot be unburdened.

Let's remember these strangely warm days of winter. I spent a few days in Tahoe enjoying Thanksgiving with a friend's family. My friend's family is big, black, and kind. They made me feel so welcome when I missed spending the time with my own family--and the food was off the hook! I don't think I've ever had ham that tasted so good. And the mac and cheese was like heaven in a pyrex dish. We stayed in a rented house owned by a Japanese family. They have a bulletin board with pics of the generations of smiling, brown-haired hapa kids. It was fun to spend the time with a family with kids too, to walk to the beach with the kids and take turns throwing pine cones in the lake. The weather was odd. No snow to experience except by sight up in the trees of the mountains. It was frosty in the mornings, getting into a car and waiting for the windshield to scrape clear, that kind of cold. But sunny as anything. Ooo, I did see a coyote. At least that is what I think it was, though from far away it may have been a tan colored branch. The house overlooked a meadow that was framed in the distance by a line of trees, mountains, and very blue skies. I can see why people come here and keep vacation homes and go to the trouble of driving the maybe 4 hours it takes to get there throughout the year, though everyone was tittering about how the economy might affect the business of leisure activities like skiing and gambling in Tahoe.

The past couple days back in Oakland have been lovely as well. I've been enjoying the sun and warmth (this is winter?) and taking walks around the lake. Yesterday I also enjoyed playing with a friend's five-year-old daughter by lake. Kids are amazing. Everything for her was terribly exciting and funny. She liked spinning in circles and playing tag and wending her way through a series of dirt mounds that make a kind of maze, as she called it, by the lake. It was the perfect way to spend a day at the lake, having just perused the farmer's market.

I've been consuming books like candy these past few days too. Ooo, that reminds me I need to return one to the library today before it becomes overdue. Maybe I can get in a little kite flying today as well and call it a perfect weekend.

Circumference = fresh pumpkin and mooshy crust

I just made this pumpkin pie from scratch for a family meeting I'm having for work. I hope it comes out tasting good. Mmm, I miss not being with my family for Thanksgiving, but in the meantime I acknowledge that I am also part of an extension of many families. So here is to sharing that!

Blame it on the rain...

Gah, I was supposed to be at a meeting at a school in San Francisco today. It's rainy, it's San Francisco with its confusing confusing streets...I was an hour late! Damn. I retraced paths all over the place and got stuck behind people driving super slowly in the rain and then got caught in a bottleneck by some road construction. Oi. And the more late I was the more anxious and the more I was second guessing where I was going and missing turns. Man, I was so close to just putting the car in park and running into the school to get to the meeting. Which in the end was rescheduled anyway because everyone ran out of time to make any kind of conclusion. Which worked out for everyone. I think; I hope. And I don't think my lateness made a difference. I think; I hope. And on to the next day of work...

Go VOTE!!!

You know, I got this really cool Obama shirt that has his face like printed in gold foil, see above. I wore it to a street fair in Berkeley and was trying on shirts over it. I was a bit worried about how thin a shirt was because Obama's golden, pensive face was very clearly visible underneath. The clothing stand lady was like, oh, it's not so see-through if you don't have another shirt under it. I said, it's alright, it's just all that irrepressible hope shining through.