Resolution

One of the New Year's Resolutions I made in January was to be a better daughter.  I think I just broke it.  So close to the end of the year too.  My mom asked me to help proofread my dad's blog posts.  He is blogging now about Chinese medicine, herbs, and acupuncture to help advertise for their clinic.  I told my mom that I thought they should hire an editor then, not just for proofreading but to help with editing content.  I told her that I didn't like doing proofreading for them in the past because it bothered me that some of my dad's writing wasn't good and that there was nothing that could be done about it and that people were going to read it.  She said she would talk it over with my dad.  And that it is ok if I don't want to do it.  But then I thought about it and maybe it is not just that I am trying to protect my dad from derision, but more that I'm ashamed of his English.  Bad daughter!  I fancied myself as being assertive and standing up for my needs, as opposed to being told what to do and just be passive aggressive about my unhappiness, but then I think I am just that Asian American kid that doesn't want the other kids to hear her parents speak and know that they don't speak perfect English.

So I think I'll resolve to try this resolution again.  And get better at this being a good daughter stuff a little more every year.

I made it to the beach

So the guy broke up with me.  I couldn't follow all the reasons he gave me for feeling like we are just not connecting, because it was all over once he said he didn't think we should see each other anymore.  Something about wanting to feel a connection but it not happening.  Something about liking me as a person but not seeing any future potential.  It really doesn't matter.  If at least one person isn't willing to make it something worth saving there is nothing more to do.

And that is why I'm writing this post from a hostel at a lighthouse on the coast of California.  I needed just a day to get a away.  Of course I had to choose the first truly rainy day after a week of gorgeous sunny weather for my hour-and-a-half long drive, but having finally made it I am glad I made the plan.

The drive was a mix of sad feelings and thoughts of, "I really don't understand why these things never work out," but the moment I pulled in to the hostel the clouds lifted and the sun began shining on the ocean waves that crashed up against the rocky coast line.  I strolled down to the beach and inspected the plant and animal life.  I let the ocean waves wash over my galloshes.  And I realized that even though it is November, I finally made it to the beach!  Nothing in the summer had panned out for me to come and see the ocean but I am here; I made it.  Not in a bikini, but in a overcoat and Wellingtons.

And stromping through the sand in the sun, I felt great.