habituation's a bit**

sorry, i rarely swear but it seemed so fitting--albeit heavy-handed--a title. it's time to learn a new routine. its not varied between internship and school, activities and work. now its just work. 40 hours a week. and when i'm home i can only just recover from work before having to pry myself out of bed the next day to go back. so that's my new routine? i don't have homework, ok. but my brain just spins on autopilot as i do my homevisits, write my casenotes, and surf the internet in the intervening hours when i have nothing to do in my cubicle. so this is what i thrust myself into grad school for? i know, this is only a temp job i'm holding now. i'll be much more busy once i'm carrying a caseload of my own clients. more stressed too once i find myself responsible for managing people's family lives. eek. but is that enough? is stress going to give me enough? i'll earn my money, be occupied during the day, but what else? or is there anything else? lieben und arbeiten, right?

aber kann ich meine arbeit lieben? ist das genug?

but when i think of the things i could be doing, if money was the only objective, it wouldn't need to be social work. but social work, as flawed, problematic, myopic, and futile it is--or seems, whatever--makes me feel that i'm doing something worthwhile. something that acknowledges that humans matter and my own existence gives me no peace if you have no peace in your existence. i can't help but grasp my hair at my temples though sometimes. it's something, but not everything. looking in the right direction but without having figured out to climb of the fallen tree in the road. do i figure out how to get going on the road or do i start building a hut for myself in the dust. right now i'm just slapping my hands on the log and butting it with my forehead. what next?