Tuesday, May 30, 2006

one in 12 Americans...

...owns an RV. Is that right? I hear that off of an infomercial about luxury RV parks.

But this is what new thing I have learned since being home in Houston. I have to fight the urge to slump onto the couch in front the tv, which I haven't had exposure to for months, and turn off my brain. I don’t know what to do with myself. I am a kid here and I am never allowed to forget it. I dug out the old rusted bikes in our garage and my dad pumped up the tires. When I told him that I intended to ride around in the street my dad said no, you will get hurt. When my grandmother asked me to help her with a weed-turned-tree, I thought she was carrying a hatchet for me to use to chop it down. No, I would only hurt myself. I don’t know what I’m doing. I was there to watch her hack it up and then drag what was left away. I am told constantly that I am too young, unable, not experienced enough, when I know this not to be true and yet there is no way that I can express my ideas or abilities because at home I might as well still be in middle school. But the sadness is there: the soft intonation that I have been long missed. Why did you go away for so long? When are you coming back to stay?

I can’t. I will be here for three weeks but I can’t live where my life is not my own. And that breaks my heart.

So instead I keep house. And clean. I gave my sister a bath and cut her fingernails. I washed her bathtub and sink. I helped my grandmother install a safety rail on the edge of the tub. I helped her label her video discs. I helped thread the sewing machine. I helped my dad pay the bills. I sweep the floors. I packed up all the newspapers for recycling.

And the aquarium. When I was home last in the winter, I was felt so sorry for our turtle. The filter to its tank had long stopped working and it swam in a half evaporated tank of filthy water. No one had time to look out for Mr. Munchie. My older sister and I took it to a pond in a golf course down in Herman Park (I was intimidated by all the mothers with children at the pond outside the zoo) and set Mr. Munchie free. Well, as free as a pond in the middle of golf course in the middle of the huge urban metroplex can be. How can we keep you when you cannot have clean water and care? So, this bilgy tank has stayed as it was since we let loose Mr. Munchie on the world. A film of fuzzy white stuff was new though. I took the whole operation down, washed out the filter, cleaned the marbles, scooped out the water, scrubbed down the tank, and sanded the rusting stand. Tomorrow I'll paint the stand and get some filter cartidges. I think I'll move our sadly neglected fish from their five gallon tank to this big one. But should anything or anyone really be confined to small spaces? Could you make it outside the box that keeps you safe? Will you still know who you are? Tell me Mr. Munchie, do you miss me?

Tuesday, May 23, 2006

i like bike

Today I rode a bike for the first time! Yes, this was my secret disability. I could not ride a bike. But that changed today. It was both exhilarating and utterly terrifying, but with about ten minutes of my friend holding the bike and running with me made me feel that I could do it. And...I did. Wow! So this is the bliss of cycled mobility. Granted, I'm not great at it. I still freak out when cars come and then tend to almost fall into bushes, but I could do it. I can ride straight and turn corners! Now, I just need a more developed method of braking that doesn't involve me stumbling sideways or into parked cars. Yosh!!!!!

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Ich liebe Sommer! I also went with my friend to the Stanford campus and walked all about. We stopped in the art library to browse through the Soetheby's and Christie's art catalogues. I also got some swanky orange tennis shoes. I bleed burnt orange. On my feet. (Ooo, like space cadette's orange pea coat...)

Monday, May 22, 2006

Summer Daze

Kickin' it in Palo Alto with an Austin bud. Feels funny to be out of Berkeley, a place that has so occupied my mind and soul the past few months. Packed up my apartment in a day and zipped all my belongings to my sister's place in Sacramento. The separation from the b-town get-a-long still yet to hit. And the languor of summer creeps up apace as the sun shines over the South Bay.

In preparation of the Latin Amer. Adventure, decided to read books by writers from the countries to be visited. So far this includes

1) Peru - Mario Vargas Llosa, The Real Life of Alejandro Mayta
2) Mexico - Octavio Paz, The Labyrinth of Solitude: Life and Thought in Mexico
3) Guatemala - Rigoberta Menchu - The Girl from Chimel
4) Belize - ?

If you have any suggestions for further necessary reading before entering these countries - for emotional and intellectual understanding and connection - please let me know. I think I may end up doing a lot of reading on the beaches after the sun has sizzled away my epidermis.

Monday, May 15, 2006

ummm

I noticed that I hadn't really posted anything in the last few days, though I still get visits. So let's see...what is something interesting and worth reading...

I went to the graduation for all the second-year MSW students. For some reason it was downright thrilling to see all the graduating students get hooded and march across stage and smile and know that they're schooling is over. I'm terrified that I will be one of those people in a year, but I'm absolutley looking forward to the ceremony and regalia and everything, which is strange for me because I usually despise all the gown and marching crap.

As a volunteer I was stationed to work with the caterer lady and help set everything up for the reception. Donning an apron, two classmates and I found ourselves being the slave monkeys of this woman as she snapped at us for laying out the wrong napkins, chewed us out for bringing the wrong spoons, and generally mistreated us. Very interesting. There was also a protest scheduled that day to occur outside the hall where the ceremonies were taking place. UC employees are paid significantly less than workers in community colleges. So we were all a bit troubled about crossing a pickett line to help at a graduation--it turned out that our scheduled speaker cancelled in respect of the workers and so the protest/strike didn't even happen. But anyway, the caterer was complaining about workers violating contracts and not doing good work and then whining about it and causing trouble with unions and everything. I was like, "Does she know that she's catering for social workers?" Anyway, it was a very interesting evening overall.

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And now I am continuing my library hopping as I endeavor to complete my last assignment, due Tuesday. Let's see what libraries I have been to already:

- Doe Library (Main)
- Mofffit Undergrad Library
- Music Library
- Educational Psychology Library
- Environmental Design Library
- Public Health Library
- Optometry Library
- East Asian Library (a particularly beautiful one)
- Law Library
- and right now in Ethnic Studies Library.

Oh the wonders of La Biblioteca!

Wednesday, May 10, 2006

O the terror, the suffering, for all the world to see, the worst terror that ever met my eyes.

This is day one of wearing hard contact lenses. Ouch. I can't stop blinking. My eyes keep screaming at the irritation, but it is getting better, or so I tell myself. I was starting to worry at bit while at the optometrist because when I tried to squeeze the contact lense out with my eyelids it kept drifting away and getting lodged in the corners of my eye. Ack. Putting them in is not so bad though. When I went to get myself fittend I had to settle on hard contacts. Why? Because the aperture or my eyes are too small. When the optometry student working with me pulled out a soft contact to try on me I almost freaked out. It was so big! There was no way it was going to fit in my eye. I read a comic strip once (done my a dude who makes comics of dreams that they submit to him). A girl dreamed that she woke up and went to put on her contacts only to find that the lenses were the size of her face. This is how I felt. After multiple tries and even trying out a smaller lense, the student busted out the hard lenses. Which aren't horrible. Everyone I talk to explains how the hard are better for your eye, especially in correcting astigmatism, which I have. I don't think I really prepared myself though for the change in my appearance. What will it be like to not wear glasses all the time. How will people perceive me? Differently now that I am not bespecled? Is it true that guys don't make passes at girls who wear glasses? Still waiting for answers.

Friday, May 05, 2006

A first year come...and almost gone

I can't believe that I am almost done with my first year of graduate school in social work. Half done! It does not feel so long ago that I first climbed the steps of Haviland, extremely nervous and excited to be at Berkeley. So confused about social work. And convinced that someone must have mixed up applications in admitting me to the school because there was no way that I was in the same league as the amazingly experienced people in my entering class. I've weathered through! Wow, and I'm almost done.

I'm feeling particularly reflective after writing a brief statement for a scholarship application. Ok, don't know if my social work pals actually check my blog regularly (hello, are you reading this?), but I'm going to stick my short essay here, because I wrote it and it captures my thoughts. And its my blog and I'll post if I want to.

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My first year of study in the Masters of Social Work program has overwhelmed me with techniques for competent practice, tales of the tribulations in the field, practice in forming a research proposal, and a grasp of the social work vocabulary that so intimidated me when I first arrived in Berkeley. My previous experience in AmeriCorps mentoring and tutoring a caseload of middle-schoolers gave me the ideal and desire to work with children and families, and my MSW studies have provided me the path and method for doing so. As a Title IV-E recipient, I have weathered looks of sympathy and shock, even pity, but knowing that I want to serve in an area of critical need, I look forward to a year of challenges and learning in my second-year internship with Contra Costa’s Department of Employment and Human Services. I know that my education in social work will not “terminate” next year once I finally grasp a Master’s degree in my hands, but it has been – and continues to be – a good beginning.

Monday, May 01, 2006

SI SE PUEDE!

This morning I marched with classmates and throngs of thousands down Market Street today. I assembled with my social welfare buddies (we call ourselves the Get-a-long Gang) and we took the BART to the city. We wore our white shirts and followed other white shirts until we found a pot-banging throng milling down the street yelling and waving banners. It was a smallish crowd that was constantly redirected by the police, who came up running behind me wearing riot gear and bearing billy clubs. I must have been surprised at least twice when bumped from behind by running police officers. It was quite terrifying, too, to see see them route marchers and think of how close we could be to bodily harm. Imagine the crash of a fist or the whack of a club. I want to keep my bones whole! No pain, no pain.

Arms linked to stay together, we finally merged with the main marchers starting at Pier One. This group matched more of what I was expecting: it was much bigger and more Latino. With this critical mass filling up Market, the Get-a-long Gang crept along with viscous languidness, animated most by shouts of

El pueblo unido,
Jamas sera vencido!


and

Si se puede!


We read the banners around us, images of Che flying on red flags. And saw all the babies and children that accompanied their parents, marching, marching, marching.

When we finally made our way out of the crowd, preparing to head back to Berkeley, when we were stopped by a man with a microphone and recorder. He asked us for a sound bite for NPR, and my friends encouraged me to speak.

I told him that the day before I was walking with my friend through Berkeley's Elmwood neighborhood. We stopped to admire some California poppies in yard when a woman stepped out of the house. She asked us what language we were speaking. We looked at each other quizically and replied, "English." She went on to question my friend's accent and would not believe that she was from LA. She moved on to me, complimenting my English, though my accent was still highly obvious. She chided Chinese people for their reserve and unemotionalness, and complimented my "good breeding" for making me unlike them. And on she went with a "benevolent" diatribe on the scarcity of female students, the wonder of our being able to study when our parents and grandparents had not the opportunity, the "bubble" that we lived in as students that kept us from recognizing that we were at war, those hippies that her sons were a generation short of becoming because we are paying for their medical bills, the military accomplishments of her husband as opposed to her domestic ones, and on and on. She would not stop, yet delivered as a "sermon on the mount," as she finally called it, we couldn't very well get away. And I seethed over it. Finally, slinking away to pop back into our "bubble," I did seethe over. She had made me so angry, hurt me so deeply, struck at tender heart of what has troubled me much this year. She questioned my identity as an American for being Asian. As if my appearance told the whole story. And though I told myself rationally that she was an old woman, that there really wasn't much I could have done in that situation, what she said still wounded me more than I could cognitively or emotionally understand.

So in deciding whether to paticipate in Monday's protest, I jumped off the fence. And, God bless them, my friends came with me. I marched for the people of this country. Todos Immigrantes! Our right to belong here. Our right to be both American and not belong to dominant white culture. To be seen as people, not criminals or work thieves. A decent life, free from abject need and bigotted treatment. I marched for me, for what I want this country to be, and for that paternalistic old white lady.

This is what I told the NPR reporter. Maybe in not so many words or in such detail, but essentially so. Viva America Nuevo!